Weed Culture

The 13 Funniest Stoner Jokes You’ll Ever Hear

Two people laughing

Stoner humor pairs two of the greatest medicines to ever exist: laughter and weed. The result of this concoction is clever, silly, and highly relatable. So take a bong hit and get ready for some of the funniest stoner jokes perfect to drop at the next smoke sesh.

Photo: Unsplash

The Seaweed Diet

Weed
Got weed? (Source: Unsplash)

One doesn’t need to be nutritionally conscious to be a stoner. That said, there is one standard diet that all stoners follow, and it’s a simple one: a seaweed diet.

If you aren’t already on it, here’s a simple two-step plan of action: Anytime you see weed, you smoke it.

The Illusion of Tense

Anyone who has ever indulged in Terence McKenna’s words of wisdom knows that time, space, and reality itself are but illusions. True existence lies beyond the reality we perceive.

So when a stoner says they used to smoke weed, and they still do, always remember that they used to, too.

The Chicken and The Egg

Stoner on the street
Smoking a joint outside (Source: Unsplash)

Here’s a real mind-boggler for you: why’d the stoner cross the road?

To get to the dispensary.

This stoner joke is, perhaps, the simplest one on this list. It’s a little twist on a classic. But the higher you are when you tell or hear it, the more intense it gets. You’re either going to be devolving into fits of laughter or entering the twelfth dimension as you ask, “which came first? The stoner or the weed?”

A Shot in the Dark

Stoner in the dark
Midnight toke (Source: Unsplash)

Here’s another head-scratcher while we’re at it: how many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?

flash sale fish bong


None, the room’s already lit.

One for the Ages

Tern
That’s a tern. An Inca Tern, to be specific (Source: Unsplash)

Scientists like to do a whole lot of studying. It’s supposedly their whole thing, believe it or not. They study the seas, the lands, the skies, and the universe. They’ve even tried studying the effects of cannabis on birds.

And they’re quite thorough with their research, too. They’ve left absolutely no tern unstoned.

Hip-Hop Hall of Fame

Snoop Dogg has the market cornered as far as stoners that spit bars go. But there’s another lesser-known rapper out there who used cannabis-infused citrus as chewing tobacco.

And he spat some dope limes, too.

We often wonder where he went. Then again, we haven’t put the bong down since we started this stream of stoner jokes, so it could just be the high toking.

High Maintenance

To-do list
Drop the coffee, pick up the bong (Source: Unsplash)

If you’ve ever lived with a fellow stoner, especially one who tokes on a budget, you’ve probably run into some trouble occasionally. Not enough weed. Not enough munchies. Missing lighters and a noticeable lack of papers.

The best way to get around these issues is with a good stoner joke or two to lighten to mood. For instance, if your roomie has ever fashioned a blunt wrap out of your latest to-do list, you could say they’re high on your list of priorities.

And then you could both wrap another and keep it going.

A Stoner Lunch

Lunch table
All hands on deck (Source: Unsplash)

If you took that last bit of advice to heart, you’re probably starving right about now. So here’s a quip to keep you entertained while you wait for your food order: what’s a stoner’s favorite lunch?

Potluck.

A Real Party

Group effort
Everyone’s an MVP (Source: Pexels)

Speaking of communal activities, what do you call a situation where a group of potheads works together?

A joint effort.

They Bought the Farm

Cows on a farm
About to drop the dopest album of the century (Source: Pexels)

Farming is hard work. It requires time, patience, strength, endurance, and the will to not smack a rooster in the face every time it screams at you simply because the sun rises. As it does every single day. Even so, why did the cattle rancher sell his cannabis farm?

Turns out, the steaks were getting a little too high.

Add that to your list of reasons to never quit the city and move to the countryside.

A Balancing Act

People lighting their joints
Not all joints need greasing (Source: Pexels)

Let’s put the stoner jokes on the back burner and get serious for a second. How does a stoner get on a balanced diet?

By wielding a joint in each hand.

Now that we’ve addressed nutrition, let’s do a bonus round: what do you call a stoner with a joint in each hand?

Double-jointed.

The Greatest Secret

Stoners are usually too chill to ever get into a real tussle. But in the odd chance you find yourself in one, here’s the best tip to save your hide.

If you’re s toner looking to win a fight, follow one simple rule: take the high ground.

The Actual Greatest Secret

Many a stoner has wondered what the best way to conceal their true identity is. Wearing a mask while getting stoned might feel like the right way to do it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. We’ve all tried it, surely.

But here’s a much better way to go about it: If you don’t want them to know that you’re stoned, never ever let them see you when you’re not.

The Pot at the End of the Rainbow

We’ve all tried chasing that golden high. The ultimate stoner experience. A high so high, you see smells and taste stars. Unfortunately, the pot of gold at the end of the stoner rainbow remains elusive for most of us.

Thankfully, we can supercharge each toke sesh with stoner jokes that will have you laughing so hard, you’ll actually feel like you’re on cloud nine.